“I am afraid I have made myself unemployable,” said the executive leader at their first coaching session at VIM Executive Coaching.
“Oh,” we calmly said, “is that so?”
We urged our client to explain, without adornment, apology or excuses as to what transpired. Our client explained that he had taken the last job too lightly to the point of becoming officious, bored and ultimately to tell an off-handed joke in front of two younger employees. The joke was reported to HR and that poor choice, along with a deteriorated attitude, led to a termination “by mutual agreement.” The board of the organization wanted our client gone.
The executive with a once substantial salary and benefits, was relegated to the job hunt, numerous employment websites and making “the rounds” to executive recruiters.
Our client noted that two months before was the 63rd birthday.
“I’m afraid it’s over.”
We allowed a breath or two
We are business coaches, and not psychologists of course, however as humans we can recognize shame when we see it. Shame is much like an acid; it eats away at us and allows us no peace. The off-handed joke that was told bordered on inappropriate which was odd because as we got to know our client, it was easy to see that our client was understanding, accepting and quite sensitive.
What happened to this person, this decent and kind person? Why the inappropriate joke and why the deterioration in attitude toward a job once loved?
We talked, we explored, we meditated, we tested, we led our executive to some important realizations. The first was patently apparent: no harm was meant by any of the actions especially the joke. It was an ill-attempt, a silly out-of-character comment that if it could be taken back would be done in less than a heartbeat, if that were possible.
And, we need to share as business coaches, that if we were to examine every executive leader we had ever known, there were/are mistakes of judgment practiced by everyone. No one gets off free from making an error at some point in their careers. It is how we handle those errorsbut more importantly, why they occurred in any event.
“I’m a fraud, I’m no leader”
It was, we believe in the second or third coaching session when our client blurted: “I’m a fraud, I’m no leader, I have never been good at it.”
It was an “Aha! moment.”
Some might call it imposter syndrome or faking it or who knows what? It’s the absolute belief some may have, that they have gotten to where they are by luck or chance. And so, to cover up for what they feel are flaws in how they should lead, they assume attitudes, personalities and behaviors that are just not them. It always leads to troubles and sadly, as we are a society that loves images, the copied behaviors are sometimes personas they have seen in movies, television or 3-minute video clips on social media.
True leaders become leaders not by copying others or being a version of what they think they should be, but by being themselves.
Mindfulness asks us to be in the moment and to be ourselves in the moment and that includes our own self-judgment on age as occurred with our shame-filled client.
We can all be better leaders if we are better at being more authentic and compassionate toward ourselves. We had worked with our executive client for a brief spell when an organization made a job offer. At 63, a new executive career was launched.
The myth behind leadership, of course, is that the effective executive leader must be a copy of our perceptions of how a dynamic leader must be, or look, or make a conference call “electric.” It is fruitless to follow those paths.
You must be rather, the best version of yourself, and that is what very much matters. The best version of the client we coached returned to the decent, compassionate and kind person who was always there.