Sometimes at VIM Executive Coaching, we have to get directly at the painful truth. It didn’t take us too long. The executive blurted “I am afraid I committed the blunder of all blunders – and it cost me.”
He admitted it was his fault. He meant to hurt no one, but he told an explicit joke in front of two employees at an employee meeting. In the world of explicit jokes, it was tepid (we wouldn’t dare elaborate in this post), but it did not take long for the mistake to wind up the corporate ladder, through HR and to the executive suite. He was terminated by an agreement. They gave him a measure of dignity.
He was devastated, embarrassed and defeated (“I’m 63, who’s going to hire me?”)
Labor Shortages and Second Chances
The executive leader was not too old to find a new opportunity, nor had he committed a faux pas so egregious that he was destined to be an unemployable pariah. However, he did suffer from a serious lack of mindfulness and that is what he didn’t understand.
The workplace has changed and it is mostly for the better. Harassment and abuse of any kind can – and should be – frowned upon. So, saying “I meant no harm, I guess I’m just an old-school kind of a person,” is not an excuse for boorish behavior, nor is saying “I guess you just can’t teach an old dog a new trick.”
The old norms led to racism, sexism, sexual abuse, homophobia, gender discrimination, anti-Semitism and many other unacceptable behaviors. They were poisons that affected every aspect of corporate life. Surprisingly, even in our present semi-virtual, semi-socially-distanced world, these behaviors still exist.
However, it doesn’t mean that an executive leader cannot change or indeed, should not change regardless of age or industry. In making changes, it doesn’t necessitate going off to an “executive re-education center” or listening to an interminably long podcast series. It requires both the easiest and at the same time, most challenging discovery of all: finding ourselves; finding mindfulness.
The Lack of Mindfulness
Mindfulness is being both aware and accepting. That is the textbook way of looking at it. However, I prefer the words of writer and Buddhist monk Pema Chödrön who would have understood our older executive leader:
“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”
The executive leader who is not mindful and commits a job ending joke that ultimately demeaned the women in his workplace, was fundamentally aggressive to himself.
After speaking at length with him, it was clear he had a good heart but he was ignorant of how he was making others feel. He did not have the insight to be aware enough in the moment, or to be accepting that words hurt; that they can cut deep; that they can erode a relationship. However, mindfulness extends far beyond an ill-advised joke. It is acceptance, it is truly listening, it is being in the moment.
He accepted our invitation to become a more mindful and aware person.
Nevertheless, we believe mindfulness is akin to reviving a beautiful plant that has suffered from a lack of water. It can be rejuvenated with honesty and gentleness. It takes time to break down the barriers we have erected within ourselves, but the results can be amazing. We can change and we can change others. It is a beautiful thing to experience within ourselves and a stunning thing to watch unfold in someone else.