When one of our favorite executive leadership business coaching clients at VIM Executive Coaching, first entered our office, he sat down and said, “I could just cry like a baby.” While we weren’t alarmed, we had to remind him that we are business coaches and not psychologists.
“Oh, I know that,” he weakly smiled, “but I feel as though I know longer know myself.”
We told him it was a good place to start. To come into a leadership coaching situation with “an empty cup,” is a good thing not bad.
The Public and the Private
He was a senior manager (hopefully) on his way to a higher position. In his public persona, he had made himself into a Pollyanna type person; a comedian and a fun-guy to be around at any office party.
He never got heavy or deep, he never reflected a well-thought-out response, nor did he particularly relish the idea of solving a complicated “personality problem” between those below him. He hoped for the best and let it go. As you might guess, he had a joke for most any situation.
A situation did come up in his department that needed some delicacy. Diplomacy and response, and instead of authentically dealing with the issue and allowing a response, he invited the parties involved to a cocktail party. The meeting went horribly; he joked himself through it and in the end, nothing had been resolved.
At first, he thought he did a marvelous job of defusing the situation. When he returned from a brief vacation, he was asked to have a confidential meeting with human resources. Apparently, some of his direct reports wanted to make a formal complaint as to his flippant attitude, lack of leadership and inability to focus on several important tasks that needed addressing including personal issues that had involved inappropriate comments directed at an employee with a disability.
He walked away from the HR meeting feeling numb.
“It’s Not Who I Am”
In our first meeting, he expressed that the party-guy personality he tried so hard to cultivate was a difficult one to maintain. At home he was quiet and often introspective.
“Early in my career, I was told I was too serious and strait-laced,” he said. “I thought that if I were more of a fun-loving person, it would be to my advantage.”
We told him it was a tough-call. The opposite of “serious” is not “personable,” it is frivolous. There are many happy mediums that one can cultivate to be closer and truer to someone who strives to be more authentic.
It is achieved through mindfulness. To be aware and responsive, rather than to react and brush off serious matters such as personnel issues.
“I guess I want to be liked,” he said. “To please everyone.”
Sometimes executive leaders have no choice other than to understand that pleasing everyone is an impossibility. Far better to be your true self.
In the months to follow, he became a different kind of executive leader. In fact, he had no choice but to immediately address the inappropriate comments – and unfortunately – he had to terminate an employee. However, it did gain him greater respect because he was not frivolous, but decisive and authentic in his actions.
“Fun” is a moving target. “Funny” to one person may be offensive to another. Far better to be mindful of when we are, and aren’t, being ourselves as executive leaders.