As this is the last VIM Executive Coaching post of 2019, we thought it would be apropos to share the memory of a competent and personable executive who came into our offices with an unusual complaint. Don’t worry if you’re reading this in May or August rather than in the New Year, for the lesson is remarkably the same.
I’m Failing Myself
She was performing well in her organization; a software company devoted to the development of unique and specialized payroll systems for contract workers. The company was already showing a modest profit and it had grown to more than 100 employees.
“So, what is wrong?” we asked. “Why do you feel as though you need executive leadership coaching?”
She explained that she was afraid she was not as “dynamic” as others in her growing organization; not as outgoing, not as effective as others, not as carefree and (her words) “not as veneer-like.”
Yet, she was receiving excellent performance reviews, her staff got along well with her and she was in-line for a promotion. Still, she somehow felt as though she was failing herself.
Naturally, we had to re-visit her comment about “veneer-like.”
She wished that she wasn’t as deep, as caring, as conscious of how people felt or if they were happy or if they were getting on with one another. In fact, she explained that recently when one of her staff underwent a serious surgical procedure, she took it upon herself to sit with the employee’s family in the waiting room.
It was impossible to not smile just a bit at her comments. And the smile was not judgmental, but “pleased” and supportive.
“You shouldn’t strive to be a Formica counter top,” we said.
“But isn’t it too much, I don’t know, isn’t too much compassion a sign of weakness?”
Here then, is a workplace conundrum that VIM Executive Coaching frequently experiences. We strive to help executive leaders become more mindful, more compassionate, more responsive and less reactive.
In this case, we were coaching an executive who had all of those qualities – and then some, who hated the very qualities within her that made her so unique.
“For the New Year, I’d like to be less ‘bleeding heart,’ and more tough.”
What Would That Look Like?
What would being tougher look like? It was a legitimate question. But first, we wanted to know what the outcome was when she sat with her employee’s family during surgery. In fact, the mother of the employee apologized for maybe stepping out of bounds, but she hugged and kissed the executive. She said, “No wonder my daughter loves her job.”
“How does that make you feel?” we asked.
The executive choked up; she could not talk.
Yes, we agreed, there are limits to everything. Compassion must be balanced with a sense of mission. Obviously, there are times when employees will take advantage of situations and there are techniques, we can teach that will allow enhancing the balance. However, to intentionally want to lose mindfulness and a sense of authenticity to become meaner or more distant is not the way to do it.
The New Year, or new job or promotion does not mean we must overhaul the qualities that have made us who we are. There is a beauty to authenticity and compassion that is sorely lacking and very much needed.
I might add that the family of the sick employee (who recovered well), did not send the executive cookies or flowers or a kitschy card; about a month later, they wrote a letter of praise to the CEO. Shortly after, our client was promoted.
Was the promotion due to our coaching? To some extent, but just as likely they appreciated the mindfulness of a caring executive who was not afraid to be human.