It is an ancient question, we suppose: “Had my life been different, who would I have been?” It is a question, in varying form, that often appears in executive leadership coaching at VIM Executive Coaching. Generally speaking, it comes in the form of “regret” or personal disappointment; framed in this manner:
“Perhaps had I had a mentor when I was younger (or had gone to a better college or chosen a different major), I might have worked for a better company (or been more successful)”
Yes, and So?
Truth is, most of us lack mentors. We’d like to believe the other guy had great mentorship, but undoubtedly, he’s got regrets as well. Better college? Different major? Maybe. But in the time, we make our decisions, we usually had reasons for those decisions (“My girlfriend and I both loved fine arts, so we decided to go for those degrees together. I didn’t realize there were practically no jobs.”)
Most of us, unfortunately muddle through. We are all too frequently pre-med students with no aptitude for math and science, or business students terrible at accounting and finance, English and Creative Writing students with scant aptitude for communications or marketing.
Despite our regrets at ill-chosen career paths or educational choices; lack of mentoring (or even good parenting); choice of organizations or fields of employment, we must sometimes take stock and bluntly tell ourselves: “Yes, and so what?”
What we are doing, where we are in our careers, our levels of dissatisfaction in our jobs or even what we must do to get our lives back on track are not insurmountable challenges. What is insurmountable is a constant, personal barrage of negativity and regret. It simply does us no good.
The Good News
This is hardly a new observation, but who you are is not what you do. The inner core, your authentic self, the mindful and purposeful person you are, has not changed over time; she or he is merely hidden from view.
How often have we heard, “I don’t even know who I am anymore?”
It’s not really true. We may be in an employment situation that is terribly far from what we want to be doing, but that does not mean we are without an inner, heartfelt compass of where we want to be.
True story time: I knew an executive who “found herself” working for a large financial firm. It was exactly the kind of position she once “convinced herself” she wanted to do, but in reality, she was absolutely bored – especially with regard to working with numbers all day. She was regarded as a kind and decent person who was always responsive to the needs of her co-workers. We discussed if there was anything she liked about the job.
She laughed. Her favorite part of the job was in watering the plants in her office. This “revelation” came about after she had meditated on her job, and an image of beautiful plants and trees came sharply into view. As improbably as it sounds, she would eventually change careers and become executive director of an organic seed company!
It isn’t as absurd as it might sound. The inner core, her authentic self, was a nurturer who enjoyed being responsible for living things. The passion for nurturing never left her. She is quite successful – and happy – in her new position.
The Important Part
The important part of a career change, a new position or a desire to start a business, is to understand that there is great power in understanding and appreciating the “What is” part of the equation – and to build on that, rather than the constant mourning of what we wish it were.
If we can find our authentic selves and be responsive to what we need to make us happier and more complete, we can achieve powerful outcomes. However, feeling bitterness and remorse at what was “promised” and never “delivered,” will lead us nowhere.
VIM Executive Coaching is focused on what can be, not what should have been.