At VIM Executive Coaching, the last thing we would ever do is to dissuade an executive from bringing their son or daughter to work. It is empowering and aspirational for a child to see and understand where their future might possibly lead.
However, the title of this post is not about bringing a seven-year-old girl to a medical research facility or veterinary office. It is about a mistake that many executives and executive leaders all too frequently make.
“Like a Son to Me”
It is not all that uncommon to have a future client come in for a free coaching consultation, and have them start off with these types of phrases: “He was like my own brother and then he decided to go off on his own,” or “She was like a daughter to me, and then she turned on me.”
The future client typically admits that the family-like subordinate, turned on them or deceived them or took great advantage of the situation. Upon reflection, our response is often: “And you let that happen, why?”
Let us be honest, most of our clients are wonderful people in addition to being executive leaders within their various organizations. However, it doesn’t mean they are devoid of having basic flaws in their mindset (that is why they come to us for coaching!).
We have all been in situations where an employee brings to mind either a family member or someone who reminds us of a relative or friend from our personal lives. This is not a “tragic” supposition, but a risky assumption.
One situation I recall that still makes us sad was a very kind executive who took in a young employee “under her wing.” The executive was overly forgiving of the employee’s mistakes to the point where the scales of favoritism were badly tipped. The relationship caused ill-feelings among the other managers. To make matters worse, the employee was sharing company pricing strategies and marketing plans with a competitor! In the end, the employee left for another job anyway.
We asked the executive why she did not see the situation for what it was, and she admitted that the employee reminded her of her daughter who was ill with a debilitating sickness.
Obviously, we take no pleasure when we experience such stories however, it does underscore the need for compassion – within context.
Be Mindful
We must remember that it is mindfulness that leads to compassion, but having compassion does not necessarily lead to mindfulness. Mindfulness cultivates authenticity and who we are in the moment.
The executive leader I mention above was a compassionate person; of that, there can be no doubt. However, her bias was created in not being mindful as to whom the young executive represented. The young executive was not her daughter. It was someone who was not only doing substandard work, but who was cheating the company by unethical behavior. Those around the young executive saw exactly what was occurring. The executive leader by not being her authentic self, did not want to see it.
At VIM Executive Coaching, we teach mindfulness meditation as one of many tools. The purpose of teaching mindfulness is not to make executive leaders blindly compassionate, but to better understand themselves. Had the executive been mindful, she might have said to the young executive, “While I think you have potential, you are performing under expectation. This is causing me concern, because I see the possibilities you have. Nevertheless, I need you to improve your skill set to match the effort of your peers.” She would have removed the bias.
We can’t help but to have employees who might remind us of someone we know on a personal level, however it does not mean they are interchangeable. It is important to remember that sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for others, is to be ourselves.